you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
