well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
