i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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