people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
