We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
