I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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