I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
