we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
it's like iHOP with fire
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
