what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
