I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
