No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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