I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
