Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize