come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
