Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
