I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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