I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
