I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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