I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
