Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
