I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
