I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
