Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
