That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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