Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
