Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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