When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
