the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
