At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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