I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
