You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just had sex on a roof
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
