dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
