pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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