I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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