my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
