it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
