I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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