My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
