Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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