it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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