Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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