i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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