shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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