I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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