all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
