She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
