he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
