im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
