fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
