she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
