omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
