i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
