My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
