Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
