me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
