Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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