we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My vagina is officially offended.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
