Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
